Monday, June 1, 2009

Y is for youthful

How to stay youthful:

(The following tips are tried and true).

1. Don't earn higher than a bachelor's degree. If you tell people you have a masters or doctorate that automatically labels you as "old."

2. Exercise regularly. Hey--a firm, old body looks younger than a flabby, old body.

3. Get married young and have children right away. If you do this right people will think you're your kids' older sister.

4. Be genetically predisposed to have no chest. People will think you are just entering puberty. Thanks to my english, danish and asian progenitors, I have found the perfect mix.

5. Make friends with older people, staging is everything. I knew I'd made a friend for life when I met a mother of two who'd had her oldest when she was 45. I thought she was their grandma. Oops--I hope she isn't reading this.

6. Even though you may have followed tip 3, above, you should try to have shopping trips without the kids, maybe when your husband comes home. This accomplishes two purposes: 1) You'll actually get your shopping done and 2) You'll be at the mall a couple of hours before closing time, you know--when the teenagers are out. Remember to keep your head down so that you look like a loner, a shy kind of gal. Don't walk with confidence and for heaven's sake do not actually talk to any teenagers. You might be tempted to use the dead givaway saying, "When I was your age...."

If you must go to the mall accompanied see to it that your shopping companion is in accordance with tip #5.

7. Keep up-to-date on the latest electonic devices. Technology--it's happening, at least make an effort at it. *Bonus* Learn current text abbreviations: (warning--not all are PG rated)

8. Smile. Smile lines are the best kind of wrinkles you can get. Smiling may also trick the rest of your body into feeling happy, go-lucky--youthful!

(Author's note: at some point I realize these tips may become obsolete in our lives. If I ever opt for evasive anti-aging treatments I'll be sure to list them).